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JUST EAT THE FOOD

"Um, there's food in your hair."

Posts tagged ucb

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OKCupid: A Love Story

This words are majic (bom shaka laka bom ) say it next to your vagina and the jenie will come out to make your wishes come true

- an actual message on OKCupid

Even now, I can’t recall whether it was the soft accent on the word “majic”, the rhythmic onomatopoeia of the bom shaka laka bom or the tender advice to whisper to my vagina so that a mystical “jenie” would come out that made me fall for you, Rider911.

But I fell hard. 

I studied your provocative beach picz with a hookah in hand for hours. 

What I wouldn’t give to be a grain of sand on that beach!

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Your glorious room, where the real majic would happen…

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But then I tried your request, Rider, and nothing happened.

No majic!

No jenies!

Just me alone in sweatpants whispering to my vagina.*

Waiting for an answer that would never come…

YOU MADE A FOOL OUT OF ME, RIDER!

I see now that the jenie was a metephor.

You’re the jenie; the jenie who broke my heart.

So why don’t you and your chic oversize black coat and XXL vespa helmet go toy with another woman’s emotions and leave me here.                          

I hope I never see your hauntingly sexy blurry face again.

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Also, cute dog.

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JUST EAT THE FOOD

*It was, after all, a Tuesday

Filed under okcupid dogs love sex lust cheese the pit nyc ucb girl funny dating just eat the food foodporn

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Life In Tha Dirty B

Today I woke up from my Xanax-induced slumber with a chihuhau-mix puppy on each breast.

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I’d like to tell you that the night before I had left my crack den apartment, white-girl twerked the night away & made an emotional connection with a human woman/man, but no. Instead I spent my night frantically Wikipedia-ing Gouda cheese, lisping along to Drake through Crest Whitestrips, and forcing my two 8-lb dog-children Taco & Nacho into a position so that I would be middle spon.

I recently moved to Bushwick aka “Tha Dirty B” aka “Rape St. USA” and am living with my friend Roman and a Canadian male model named Tina*

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Roman

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Tina*

They sleep in a bunkbed in the next room, and our apartment is something like a bizarro world Threes Company, only with more hair products.*

I also now have a corporate j-o-b where I have started wearing Hillary Clinton pantsuits and I like it.

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Now instead of waking up hungover next to a pizza box that looks like a raccoon has attacked it, my mornings consist of me:

  • removing dogs from each teet
  • taking a shower (I know)
  • packing a healthy lunch (I know, again)
  • power-walking to the L train in sensible flats to the husky overtures of an elderly meat factory worker grunting: “Looks goooood on ya, snowflake.”

(I assume he’s referring to the flats, but he could be a shoulder-pad guy.)

Check back soon for my next post “OKcupid? More like OKSTUPID!!! #LOL #SINGLE”

JUST EAT THE FOOD

*Names have been changed for privacy

*Thanks to Tim Garbinsky for this lucid and haunting comparison

Filed under drake male model zoolander comedy ucb the pit okcupid funny girl werk twerk girls hillary clinton justeatthefood food foodporn