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Naming My Fupa: A Journal Entry from May 10th

I’ve spent the past three hours rolling around in bed in a mixture of sweat and Indian food. I can’t tell if it’s hot in my apartment or if the heat is coming from the kinetic energy of me eating three plates of paratha.

I started tonight thinking, “You know what? I’m treating myself. I deserve it!” (and all that Eat, Pray, Love bullsh*t) Cut to three hours later, I’m spread-eagle on my bed, angrily sipping a mango lassi out of a straw.

I’ve decided to stop eating meat for a while. This turn of events came when I touched the ribbed, hard vein on the underside of a raw chicken the other night and nearly threw up.

My new “vegetarian” diet has increased my bread and cheese intake tenfold. I now order Tomato Cheddar soup from Hale and Hearty two times a day. I am slowly going broke, gaining weight and losing self respect. (In other words, my usual prep for bikini season.)

You know what F**K THAT S**T! F**k killing yourself to look good for three months out of the year. Just give up like me. It’s easy. Turn the lights off during sex. Problem solved.

I’m beginning to get a belly and I kind of like it. Now I just unbutton my top button at work and let it hang. That made for an awkward moment with my co-worker the other day but it sure felt good.

My pouch is comforting like a little friend, or a pet. I want to name it something cool like “Zanzabar” or “Melissa” or something.

Eh well, Master Chef is on.

Bye!

JUST EAT THE FOOD

Filed under collegehumor fat food girl humor indian food justeatthefood sad the pit nyc vegetarian

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IT’S TIME

Hello old friends!

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted for a while.

Perhaps you assumed that I had finally contracted Type II Diabetes and had died face down in a child’s birthday cake somewhere.

But guess what?

I’m back, baby

And I just put some delicious nachos in the microwave…

……

……

……

……

……

……

DING!

……

They’re ready.

Let’s do this

So, the reason for my departure isn’t that I’ve been busy, or overwhelmed with success, or lost my sh*t like that KONY 2012 guy who ran around screaming and masturbating on the streets of San Diego.*

I’ve just been lazy

Eating for me has recently become less of a source of humor, than a crippling and systematic assault on my metabolism and well-being.

For example:

Right now I’m hunched over my computer in a dirty bathrobe simultaneously ordering delivery from two different Chinese food restaurants.*

I haven’t gone grocery shopping for four months, and have recently taken to ordering double lunches and double dinners so that my refrigerator now resembles the bomb shelter of a neurotic, indecisive, salt addict.

In order to feed the monster, I’ve perfected a way to cheat the delivery.com system so that I get 25% off each time.

Surprisingly, people aren’t as impressed with this as I thought they would be…

THE SCENE: House party, two twenty-something girls standing at the table next to the chips and dip

Me: Mmm… Love these Naked chips, right?

Cute Girl in Jumper: Oh my god! Obsessed! They’re the best.

Me: (quietly) So I like to eat alone in my bed off of my stomach sometimes…

Cute Girl in Jumper: Sorry, what?

Me: (hyperventilating) Like just after work! Ha! It’s not weird! Ha! Like I’m not spending all day alone in my apartment!!! I love daylight!! Anyway, Delivery.com. You know them right?? So, they have all these points, I’ve redeemed a lot of them and gotten mugs and stuff! But the other day I found this great way to save money on…. Wait, where are you going?

And so the story goes…

JUST EAT THE FOOD

*Alright, that was me.

*In other words: it’s your typical Monday night.

Filed under the peoples improv theater the pit nyc CollegeHumor just eat the food sad funny