Posts tagged funny

Hello old friends!

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted for a while.

Perhaps you assumed that I had finally contracted Type II Diabetes and had died face down in a child’s birthday cake somewhere.

But guess what?

I’m back, baby

And I just put some delicious nachos in the microwave…

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……

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……

……

DING!

……

They’re ready.

Let’s do this

So, the reason for my departure isn’t that I’ve been busy, or overwhelmed with success, or lost my sh*t like that KONY 2012 guy who ran around screaming and masturbating on the streets of San Diego.*

I’ve just been lazy

Eating for me has recently become less of a source of humor, than a crippling and systematic assault on my metabolism and well-being.

For example:

Right now I’m hunched over my computer in a dirty bathrobe simultaneously ordering delivery from two different Chinese food restaurants.*

I haven’t gone grocery shopping for four months, and have recently taken to ordering double lunches and double dinners so that my refrigerator now resembles the bomb shelter of a neurotic, indecisive, salt addict.

In order to feed the monster, I’ve perfected a way to cheat the delivery.com system so that I get 25% off each time.

Surprisingly, people aren’t as impressed with this as I thought they would be…

THE SCENE: House party, two twenty-something girls standing at the table next to the chips and dip

Me: Mmm… Love these Naked chips, right?

Cute Girl in Jumper: Oh my god! Obsessed! They’re the best.

Me: (quietly) So I like to eat alone in my bed off of my stomach sometimes…

Cute Girl in Jumper: Sorry, what?

Me: (hyperventilating) Like just after work! Ha! It’s not weird! Ha! Like I’m not spending all day alone in my apartment!!! I love daylight!! Anyway, Delivery.com. You know them right?? So, they have all these points, I’ve redeemed a lot of them and gotten mugs and stuff! But the other day I found this great way to save money on…. Wait, where are you going?

And so the story goes…

JUST EAT THE FOOD

*Alright, that was me.

*In other words: it’s your typical Monday night.

Editor’s Note: Since I posted this, multiple people have informed me that it is “platanos” not “plantanos.” I’m leaving this in as a prime example of my whiteness. Maybe this was why the waitress smiled at me when I asked for more…

My boyfriend, James, lives in Harlem and every night he eats at a little chicken and rice restaurant down the street from his apartment.

It’s $5 for a whole plate of food, and he speaks about it with the reverence that devout Catholics have for Jesus or the excitement that Kristen Bell feels when a “sloth is near”*

I went there with him the other day, and it went something like this:

(We walk in, greeted by a smiling Dominican woman behind the counter)

Woman: (to James) Hola papi! Lookin’ good! How are you?

James: I’m great, darlin! Got that ill mondongo today?

(they both break out in a chorus of laughter)

Woman: (laughing) Oh you!

Me: (hovering in the background in my puffy coat, laughing loudly, clearly confused) HA! HA! Right??

Both: (stop laughing and look at me as if I had just farted)

James: (pause) So anyway… Can I get the lunch special?

At this point, I feel like I should mention something to you.

I’m white.

Alright, pasty.

Alright, borderline translucent…

And I don’t just mean skin color. I’m talking country-club going, khaki-wearing, socks with sandals white.

If I was a genre of music I would be smooth jazz.

I used to try to pretend I wasn’t as white. I went tanning, dyed my hair dark brown, and wore hoop earrings. But it just felt weird, like that time Christina Aguilera was brunette and did a music video with Lil’ Kim*

I wish my life was like one of those Old Navy commercials with the black dad and Asian mom and Native American children all dancing in the sunlight, throwing snowballs and wearing knit hats.

But alas, I am sorely, painfully, Caucasian. 

James is white too. But I don’t think anyone has ever told him this, and sometimes I literally have no idea what he is saying.

The other day we were walking down the street and he pulled me aside whispering, “Yo, everyone be sleepin’ on Harlem son.”

“Yeah, son…” I whispered back, “They mad tired!”

Judging by the sad look on his face, I feel like this wasn’t the correct response.

Back to restaurant: at that point I wanted to yell, “Hey! I can dig it! Chicken is the ill na na!” but I restrained myself and instead climbed onto one of high stools on the counter with my hands in my lap, like a five year-old waiting for din din.

James quickly ordered two lunch specials. As the waitresses were dancing to the radio, flirting with the regular customers and dipping ladles into different spicy sauces, I sat there tapping my foot to the beat in my J. Crew turtleneck.

Then it came: a heaping plate of morro rice, kidney beans, plantanos and roasted chicken breast with crispy skin glistening.

It was over. I dove in, forsaking all cutlery, face in the plate, eating bite after bite of delicious chicken with rice, kidney beans, and plantanos.

I alternated between James’s plate and my own, stealing his chicken skin, to which he promptly responded, “What the f**k son??”

“Sorry daughter!”, I joked. He didn’t laugh, but I know he liked it.

Then with crazy eyes and chicken grease on my face, I grunted to the woman with maroon hair behind the counter, “More plantanos please!” She gave me a nod and spooned six extra fried plantains on my plate and smiled. We finally understood each other.

“Food is colorblind”, I thought, downing a 22 of Budweiser.

Then a second thought came to mind, “This beer tastes like sh*t.”

JUST EAT THE FOOD

*This is actually really cute: http://youtu.be/t5jw3T3Jy70

* Still not sure what the f**k that was about: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dg8QgUIKXHw

Here’s the scenario:

You’re out at dinner with a friend.

You’re excited to eat a real meal because let’s face it, you can only order delivery from Zen Palate so many times before the delivery man just laughs in your face when you open the door.

“HAHA! Oh miss! You again!”, he smiles.

“Yes, ‘me again,’” you growl, hastily pulling the bag of Chinese food back into your lair.

The exchange is quick and filled with guilt, like a crackhead getting his next fix.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got those good dumplings tonight?”, you whisper, scratching your neck furiously. “Give ‘em to me! Here’s $5! Now scram!”

This is troubling.

But back to the scenario:

You sit down to a lovely white tablecloth setting with your friend Tammy/Holly/Krystal and look at the menu. “Pork belly! Duck confit! Perfect!” you think. You like this place. You commend yourself for having chosen such an excellent restaurant and feel proud of yourself for 3.2 seconds before the waiter comes over and asks,

“Would you ladies like bottled water or tap?’”

Now this bothers you for a few reasons:

A.) You know he can just look at your stained shirt, crumpled jeans and H&M shoes and deduce the answer to that question himself.

B.) When you do finally mutter, “Tap works,” the waiter looks at you as if you’d just said: “Oh boy! You be fancy folk! I kin just go an’ suck on the faucet behin the barn, like I do at Pa’s house!”*

He quickly brings you your “poor people” water, and begins to take your order.

It is at this moment that Tammy/Holly/Krystal f**king does the unthinkable,

“And what would you like, Miss?”

“Oh! Me?”, she says, as if surprised he would even ask. “I’ll just have a side salad! I’m not that hungry.” and then turns to look at you.

“WHAT??!!! Who the f**k are you?”, you’re screaming in your head, a frozen smile cast over your face.

Now when you order a “real person” meal*, you look like an obese monster. Like, “Hide your kids! I might eat them too!”

You know she’s just going to stare at you while you eat three full courses. And you’re a gross eater. No one wants to see that.

The waiter turns to you and asks you the same question, to which you mumble sheepishly, “Stkerrrtwo.”

“Sorry what was that ma’am?”, he repeats.

“Stakrtoooo,” you mutter, a little louder this time.

“Ma’am I can’t understand…”

“STEAK FOR TWO! I’M HAVING THE MOTHERF**KING STEAK FOR TWO!”, you shout at the top of your lungs, a wild look in your eyes, your hair sticking out in every direction.

The waiter runs off and you turn back to your friend who is now looking at you like you’re some kind of zoo animal.

“What?” you say, “I’m hungry.”

JUST EAT THE FOOD

* Honestly who actually orders bottled water at dinner? I just imagine some old British lady in a fur pantsuit like, “Daaahling! I only drink Evian made from ice-cubes hand-melted by orphans in Latvia. But do make sure they’re real orphans! I want to taste their tears!”

*Like two whole chickens, extra fixin’s, drizzled with butter

Editor’s Note: If you’re related to me or hold me in high esteem please do not continue on, as there are things I will share here with you that will make you clutch your turtlenecks and cardigans in horror.

Now that two of you are out of the way, let’s go!

It was a warm summer afternoon and I was passed out in a bra and underwear on top of my comforter with makeup smudged on my face from the past night, and empty applesauce containers scattered on the floor.

It was like any other Tuesday.

But this time was a little different. This time I sensed that I was not alone…

Now, we’ve all been there: the dreaded “Morning After.”

• Maybe you had a few too many Malibu Woo-Woos at the bar last night and you don’t remember how you got home
• Maybe you met up with some girlfriends from college and got “cRaZyyyy” like Spring Break ‘08 
• or maybe, just maybe, you were drinking alone in your apartment after a particularly intense Toddlers and Tiaras marathon

Who can really say?

It was at that very moment that I began to sense a presence in the bed next to me, like someone was watching my every move.

“F**k!” I whispered, grabbing my phone quickly to see who I was last talking to. The last text I sent was, “Hayyy, wat r u doin. I’m drunzzzzks.”

It was to my grandma.

I don’t even think she gets text messages.

“Whew, dodged that bullet”, I thought with shmide*

Still sensing someone next to me, I immediately went over possible escape plans in my head:

“I can pretend to be dead”

No.

“I can say that I have an appointment to run to!”

No, I don’t look like the type of person who has appointments.

“I can just leave!”

No, it’s my apartment.

After twenty minutes of debating to how to exit, I decided to face my fears.

I attempted a seductive yawn like I imagine a sleepy Playboy Bunny would do and rolled over, instead I sounded like I was having a small stroke.

My eyes closed, fearing the worst, I reached out next to me and touched something firm and cardboard-like. Then I opened my eyes and saw it: an extra-large Papa John’s pizza box ripped down the middle like an animal had gotten into it. Pieces of crust were scattered all over the bed and remnants of marina sauce were on my face and body.

“Wow”, I thought and then said the only thing I could think to ask,

“Well was it good for you?”

JUST EAT THE FOOD

* Check out my “How To Eat A Bag of Tostitos Hint Of Lime Doritos In One Sitting” post for more on this word.

Setting: Sixth-grade cafeteria

“What are you doing?”

My best friend Jessica was staring at me with a look of disgust usually reserved for roadkill and vomit as I panted excitedly, balling up a grilled cheese sandwich in my hands and shoving it in my face, “Romggg. You gotta try this!”

“You’re such a gross eater,” she snorted, as I stared at her blankly, half of a grilled cheese sandwich hanging out of my mouth.

“Warrever…” I slurred, continuing to eat my sandwich.

It was grilled cheese day and no one was going to ruin it for me. No one.

I am a gross eater. It is my cross to bear.

I eat with my hands, nose and sometimes forehead, tossing morsel upon morsel of delicious food down my gullet.  This is an especially great tactic on dates if you want someone to like “you for you.”:

GUY: “Um. You have food in your hair.”

ME:  “Ohhhh, haha. Weirddd…”, I would say with feigned embarrassment, frantically eying the table for scraps.

I eat sourdough bread by scooping out the doughy middle, rolling it into a ball and slowly chewing on the yeasty goodness* leaving the carcass of hollowed out crust on whatever surface is closest to me, before raiding the fridge for cheese.

It’s an addiction.

While some little girls want dresses or Barbies, I wanted Burger King.

There’s a home video of me when I was three years-old, wearing tiger print velour overalls standing on top of a wooden fence near our house with my dad shouting, 

 “Come on Peachie! Who wants Burger King??”, goading me in the same tone of voice one would use when asking a dog if they want a treat.

At the mention of “Burger King” my eyes widened to twice their normal size and I started yelling wild jibberish and scooting my butt at record speed along the wooden railing to meet him until my mom came out yelling,

“Paul! What are you making her do?! Peach! Get down from there!”

But I just keep motoring on towards glory and that glorious BK paper crown.*

So gross eaters of the world, embrace it. Who cares if you always seem to get milkshake in your beard? Or your hands always smell like garlic? Or the sight of you eating lunch makes people physically sick?

You’re enjoying one of the best parts of life! Delicious, terribly unhealthy food.

JUST EAT THE FOOD

*Realizing that “yeasty” and “goodness” should never be used next to each other in a sentence. Keeping it in.

*Just spoke to my dad on the phone this morning and confirmed this story saying, “That explains a lot” and breaking in a fit of laughter. Five minutes later, he stopped laughing and ended the conversation with, “Alright kiddo! Well hope you’re going to the gym!” Thanks, Dad.

The reviews are in, my good friends!

• “A good companion to ‘My Drunk Kitchen’.” – Seana Wilkerson
• “Stop asking me to follow your f**king blog.” - Everyone Else
•  “Peach, how do I open the link?”– My Mom

I smell success!

 Or I might just be smelling my own body as I haven’t showered since I started this blog and I’m running on pure adrenaline!*

But seriously, thank you for the support and the nice comments. I really do appreciate it. Otherwise all this snarkiness would just bottle up inside me and I’d end up a bitter, weathered alcoholic in a robe eating two-day old lo-mein out of the carton. (too late!)

But for real, I love you. I am IN love with you.

JUST EAT THE FOOD

*This may or may not be true.  I actually can’t remember the last time I showered. Get over it.