February 2012
5 posts
4 tags
Women and Yogurt
So maybe I’m not eating it right, but in all of my yogurt-consuming experiences I have never:
had an orgasm
forgotten my own name
had an out-of-body experience*
Commercials make yogurt seem like a party drug for women:
The scene: two women are sitting on a couch in their apartment
Cheryl: Becky have you tried this new Xtra Fantasy Cream yogurt from Yoplait?
Becky: No girl! Tell me about...
6 tags
Commercial Moms vs. Real Moms
Here’s the thing:
I’m biologically female.*
But there are a few things I don’t understand about commercials geared towards women.
You know the ones, I’m talking about:
The scene: A white mom wearing a matching sweater set and sensible slacks sits at the kitchen table drinking tea when a stampede of teenagers roll in carrying hockey sticks, soccer balls and a crow-bar...
4 tags
10 tags
White People Love Chicken
Editor’s Note: Since I posted this, multiple people have informed me that it is “platanos” not “plantanos.” I’m leaving this in as a prime example of my whiteness. Maybe this was why the waitress smiled at me when I asked for more…
My boyfriend, James, lives in Harlem and every night he eats at a little chicken and rice restaurant down the street from his...
January 2012
12 posts
conradverners asked: you inspire me so much i think i am in love
7 tags
The thing about salad…
Here’s the scenario:
You’re out at dinner with a friend.
You’re excited to eat a real meal because let’s face it, you can only order delivery from Zen Palate so many times before the delivery man just laughs in your face when you open the door.
“HAHA! Oh miss! You again!”, he smiles.
“Yes, ‘me again,’” you growl, hastily pulling the bag of Chinese...
10 tags
The Morning After
Editor’s Note: If you’re related to me or hold me in high esteem please do not continue on, as there are things I will share here with you that will make you clutch your turtlenecks and cardigans in horror.
Now that two of you are out of the way, let’s go!
It was a warm summer afternoon and I was passed out in a bra and underwear on top of my comforter with makeup smudged on my face from the past...
8 tags
Confessions of a Gross Eater
Setting: Sixth-grade cafeteria
“What are you doing?”
My best friend Jessica was staring at me with a look of disgust usually reserved for roadkill and vomit as I panted excitedly, balling up a grilled cheese sandwich in my hands and shoving it in my face, “Romggg. You gotta try this!”
“You’re such a gross eater,” she snorted, as I stared at her blankly, half of a grilled cheese sandwich hanging...
4 tags
8 tags
THE REVIEWS ARE IN!
The reviews are in, my good friends!
“A good companion to ‘My Drunk Kitchen’.” – Seana Wilkerson
“Stop asking me to follow your f**king blog.” - Everyone Else
“Peach, how do I open the link?”– My Mom
I smell success!
Or I might just be smelling my own body as I haven’t showered since I started this blog and I’m running on pure adrenaline!*
But seriously, thank you for the support and the ...
12 tags
BITCHES LOVE JUICE (SLUTS LOVE CITRUS)
I live in New York City and see weird sh*t everyday.
An old Russian woman with no teeth tongue kissing her dog
A black man with rainbow dreadlocks wearing a pink tutu, drinking from a can of tuna
Bros
It takes a lot to shock me. But on my way to work, this ad did just that:
It’s Tropicana’s new NYC ad campaign. In case you couldn’t see, the arrow is pointing to a bottle of orange juice.
So...
10 tags
How to Eat a Bag of Tostitos® “Hint of Lime” Chips...
Step 1:
Wake up sweaty and disoriented, ten minutes before you have to leave for work wearing a Soroptimist Women’s Organization shirt your grandma gave you and those stained dELiA*s sweatpants you bought in the 7th grade (when JLo’s velour sweat-suit was a “thing”)
Step 2:
Grab a pair of jeans crumpled up in the corner of your apartment.
Step 3:
Do the sniff test. If they pass, throw them on....
13 tags
Eat - (Pray + Love) = My year of indulgence
Have you ever loved someone so much you would do anything just to spend one moment together? You would give them everything you have, because you know that you will never find another person who satisfies your needs in the way he does? And every morning you wake up and thank God you found him?
Well, that’s how I feel about sour cream.
“What?” I hear you saying, “That’s not a person. That’s...
10 tags
WELCOME TO JUST EAT THE FOOD
My name is Caroline and I have an intense relationship with good food.
Whether I’m eating at home, at a restaurant or hunched over take-out in the back of a movie theater, I have been known to attack a plate of food with a ferocity that scares small children.
Lunging, I dive my fork into whatever is in front of me, shoveling it wild-eyed into my mouth while greedily sucking in breath ...